I haven't exactly kept up with blogging properly but I suppose a lot of things happened over the past two months.
I didn't really want to discuss it too much but I feel like I need to get it out there:
I get that friendships end due to disagreements, due to fights, or simply because they move away or move on. But of all the things I can't stand in any relationships (surely no one can!), I really can't stand backstabbing.
I made friends with a girl in my local lolita comm last year. We'd talk every day, throughout the day, about anything. We met up occasionally to exchange items and we'd talk at meets. We'd talk about anything and everything and I honestly considered her as a very good friend.
What I noticed initially was that she gossiped quite a bit about other girls in the comm. Sometimes it was just criticism but it wasn't mean,other times it was quite mean. I figured, hey she probably uses this to vent because she did have quite a few things going on in life, and if she wanted to use me to vent by means of gossip, ok that's fine. I personally do not gossip and I have not gossiped around to other girls at all. Whatever she's told me, I kept to myself.
What I didn't notice, right away, is that all this behavior was rubbing off on me. The negativity and "spite" for the lack of a better term, was getting to me and as easily influenced as I can get by people I spend a lot of time with, I started gossiping with her too.
I won't get into the details, but after I confronted her about her gossiping around to many other girls, and for telling others I had done/said something (that was actually done by her), I asked her for an explanation, apology and to move forward from this. She responded by blocking me.
Aside from attempting to frame me, which hurt enough, she decided to completely ignore me. I know this girl has a few problems but I honestly, like an idiot, trusted her. And by trusting her I turned into a terrible little girl myself. When I like somebody, I tend to "absorb" their ways or behaviors, good and bad. I know this is quite terrible and I've been working on it, but...I really, really liked her.
After people in the comm started reacting negatively and quite nastily, I decided that this toxic dramapool wasn't worth it anymore. Because I'm a human being capable of being angry, gossip is spread that I'm violent even though I have never threatened anybody, nor have I actually gotten in a fight. Fear comes in two forms, it comes due to the unknown, and it comes due to guilt. If somebody is afraid then it's probably because you think I may have heard about what you've said about me.
People will always spread false information. Groups of women, no matter the reason for their gathering or socializing, will always be involved in drama, backstabbing, and nastiness. The larger, and more diverse the group, the worse it gets.
My trust in women has always been quite low, but aside from with my current female friends, it's even lower now.
Before you say that's misogynist or what have you, no that does not mean that I have complete trust in guys because I have zero trust in any guy that isn't family or my boyfriend, or a best/close friend of his.
So I've decided to join a comm that's more mixed in terms of gender, a comm I was already a part of over a year ago, the BJD comm. There isn't any vanity there, nor drama. People are there for the hobby, to share their dolls, and not to talk about themselves. Everyone is really, really polite.
For now, I just want to focus on myself and not fashion communities. I think it would be fun to join my local gyaru circle but I'm still learning to do my makeup properly and still need to acquire accessories for coords, so I'll leave that for later on.
I'm also thinking that I need some kind of hobby to have that's external to me so going back to BJDs would be great. The only reason I left the hobby was to fund my lolita wardrobe. Now, I've got no meets I wish to join so I'll be selling off most of it.
You're hurt at first but, eventually you find that lolita comms don't matter. You join them to have an excuse to wear your clothes. It's less weird if you're not the only one doing it, right?
They're quite superficial, and even though you're glad you have an excuse to meet people and make friends, after some time you notice that those people aren't as good or "normal" as you thought they were.
I can't really sit still, sit in one place for a very long time. It was a nice hobby for a while but when it's time to move on, it's time to move on.
That's what life is all about. You can only go forward.